An Unusual Sorting
by purple-psychopath
Summary: Our very least favorite caretaker is sorted. With high expectations from his father and merciless Hogwarts students combined. Argus Filch is doomed. So I sort of know how I want to end this, it will only have one more chapter, but I'm struggling to put all my thoughts into words, that follow a somewhat coherent rhythm. It may be a while.
1. Letter

**Well, this is my first story, ever, so please be nice. It will probably only be like 3 chapters.**

**I do NOT own anything. **

Argus jumped with excitement as the barn owl came through his bedroom window one warm July afternoon. It landed on his bedside and held out its leg. Argus quickly detached the letter and gave the owl a treat. The letter read,

Mr. A. Filch,  
East Wing Bedroom,  
17, Spring Lane,

Nottingham,

Nottinghamshire

He quickly tore open the envelope with the excitement only an 11 year old could exhibit. Surely **this** was his Hogwarts letter, and sure enough,

_Hogwarts School  
of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

_Headmaster Armando Dippet_

Dear Mr. Filch

We are pleased to inform you that you have  
been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft  
and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all  
necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on September 1. We await

your owl by no later than July 31.

Yours Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore  
Albus Dumbledore  
_Deputy Headmaster_

He quickly descended the stairs and walked to the west corridor before stopping outside of his fathers study. He straightened his robes, fixed his hair and knocked softly on the intimidating door before him. "Come in." His fathers booming voice commanded. He quietly opened the door and approached his father with the letter. "Well boy? What do you want?"

"My Hogwarts letter has arrived Sir." Argus responded.

"Well good. Land yourself in Slytherin house and you may just regain the respect our family lost after your aunt ran away with that mudblood." His father snorted in contempt before returning to his work. "You may go, Argus." The booming voice softened. Without delay young master Filch left the room and climbed the stairs to his bedchamber to compose his acceptance of his Hogwarts invitation.

**Review?**


	2. In Diagon Alley

**Disclaimer: In an alternate universe far far away, I do own Harry Potter. But in this one, I do not.**

It was scalding in Diagon alley, although the obvious explanation would be that it was August. The thousands of bodies scurrying around didn't help things either. Among the thousands of bodies were a rather short young boy and his menacingly tall father. Both had chestnut brown hair and pale grey eyes that would blend in quite easily if it weren't for the differences in character that drew so many eyes to the small family.

The father, walked heavily, almost stomping his way down the street. He glared at anyone who crossed his path. He kept his head held high and sneered down at the world below him, which was quite a lot considering his size. This man was easily the tallest in the entire alley. He walked around with such an air that the crowd may have parted for him, if it weren't for his son, whom he was constantly turning around to drag away from whatever petty distraction so that they could finish their shopping and leave.

The boy, on the other hand, was only slightly more exited to be here than the rest of the first years. _I didn't even think I was magical. But, Hogwarts knows best. They couldn't be wrong._ He was very exited indeed, his father had given him his late mother's wand, and was going to buy him fresh new Hogwarts robes, along with all the required books, and a new owl. Argus practically _bounced_ down the street, quivering with glee, because it was very rare that he was permitted to leave the house these days.

They were an unlikely family, because Argus took after his mother so much. Argus could be called slender, but a more appropriate term would be scrawny. While he had potential to be vertically gifted like his father, it looked very unlikely he would ever break 6 feet-

"Stop slouching boy! You should be proud to go to Hogwarts!" His father demanded as he yanked Argus into a perfect posture.

- especially he kept slouching so well. _Another bad habit I must have picked up from Mother, _Argus thought to himself as he fought the instinct to slouch even lower as he answered his father, "Yes father, I am very proud to attend Hogwarts, sir."

_If only he weren't so timid, _Mr Filch pondered, _Of course then he might just run off with some __**muggle**__. _"Hmph." He scoffed.

"Pardon, Father?"

"Nothing boy, just thinking of that blood-traitor you used to call aunt."

After a day of being ogled for their differences, apprehensive Argus and his forceful Father went back to the mansion they shared, the family they both were lacking, and a dinner served by their many house-elves. For all their outer differences, they really weren't that different. Both missed their wife and mother, both were excited about Argus going to Hogwarts, and without knowing it, both were about to be, entirely, alone.

**Well, that didn't end quite as happily as I originally planned. It also didn't serve much of a purpose overall in the story. If anything, it gave us a small look into their lives. And whats this? Foreshadowing? In the last sentence?!?!? **


	3. A New House

Argus was at platform 9¾. **ARGUS WAS AT PLATFORM 9¾! **He felt as if he'd just consumed 80 sugar quills, 14 chocolate frogs, and an acid pop or 2, or 10. _SLYTHERIN!_ He just had to get that off his chest. _HOGWARTS HOGWARTS HOGGY WARTY HOGWARTS!_ He vaguely recalled his father telling him to calm down a few minutes ago, but the feeling of flobberworms jigging about in his stomach was too much to handle. He just HAD to move, or else he may just explode from the giddiness.

And then it was time, _IT'S TIME!_ Yes, time to board the Hogwarts express. He looked around and saw a few other students about his age looking very elated at the prospect of Hogwarts, and also, a few older students looking rather bored. He felt a nudge from his father and all but ran onto the train to find himself a compartment. He made his way down the train looking in every compartment until he found a nice empty one. He put his trunk inside and sat down for the long journey.

He watched as the city grey slowly faded into the colourful countryside, and slowly felt himself getting drowsy, _a quick nap wouldn't hurt, I have 7 more years to see this scenery._ He closed his eyes.

"Hey kid, wake up! We're almost there."

"Hmm, Oh! Are we? I better go change then." He sleepily responded before dragging himself up off the seat and out of the compartment.  
_

He got off the train, and slowly followed an elderly man down to the edge of a lake. As instructed he climbed into the boat. That's when he saw it, "_Hogwarts…_" he breathed. It had to be the most majestic castle he had ever seen. The boy across from him seemed to agree, "I know, it's beautiful. The names Charlus Potter and I'm going to be a Gryffindor, just like the rest of my family."

"Oh, um. Argus Filch, I suppose I'll be a Slytherin, like the rest of my family."

"Slytherin? Nobody in my family has ever been in Slytherin, but I suppose they can't be all bad, you don't seem too bad I mean."

"Uh, thank you, _I think_"

Argus continued to look around at the grounds, and very soon found himself inside the castle. An elderly wizard was explaining the sorting to them.

"Wow." Charlus said from beside him. "Look at that girl, she's beautiful."

"Oh, that's Dorea Black." Argus replied.

"A Black? Well that's too bad, she'll probably end up in Slytherin."

"I'll probably end up in Slytherin."

"Oh. Right, maybe she'll turn out to be really nice."

They marched in through the large doors to the great hall; at the front was a stool, with a ratty old hat sitting atop it. Before Argus could question the hat introduced itself, in song.

_A thousand years or more ago  
when I was newly sewn,  
there lived four wizards of renown,  
whose names are still well known:  
bold Gryffindor, from wild moor,  
fair Ravenclaw, from glen,  
sweet Hufflepuff, from valley broad,  
shrewd Slytherin, from fen.  
They shared a wish, a hope, a dream,  
they hatched a daring plan  
to educate young sorcerers  
thus Hogwarts School began.  
Now each of these four founders  
formed their own house, for each  
did value different virtues  
in the ones they had to teach.  
By Gryffindor, the bravest were  
Prized far beyond the rest;  
For Ravenclaw, the cleverest  
would always be the best;  
For Hufflepuff, hard workers were  
Most worthy of admission;  
And power-hungry Slytherin  
loved those of great ambition.  
While still alive they did divide  
Their favourites from the throng,  
Yet how to pick the worthy ones  
When they were dead and gone?  
'Twas Gryffindor who found the way,  
He whipped me off his head  
The founders put some brains in me  
So I could choose instead! _

_But this year there is trouble near,_

_Interference from your parents,_

_Do not blame the dear poor child,_

_For they must too be sorted,_

_But a house they will not find_

_For differences prevent it,_

_But he would sure be Gryffindor_

_If not for his differed magic.  
Now slip me snug about your ears,  
I've never yet been wrong,  
I'll have a look inside your mind  
And tell where you belong!_

Students around the hall buzzed with what the Sorting Hat could possibly mean about a child with different magic, one that would not fit into a house? Impossible! They thought. But the old man didn't even hesitate to call.

"Adams, Catherine" Followed by a short pause before "HUFFLEPUFF!"

Argus however was still distracted by the hats song until,

"Black, Dorea" The hat barely touched her head before "SLYTHERIN!"

He heard Charlus sigh from beside him, "After what happened to her brother, I thought the hat might at least hesitate."

"I already told you being in Slytherin doesn't make you evil by default." Argus retorted.

"I know", Charlus replied, "But now I'm going to have to do something seriously wild to get to know her."

"What are you going to do?"

"Force the hat to put me in Slytherin."

"Why would you do that? You already said your entire family's been in Gryffindor!"

"Because my father once told me that when you first see The Girl, you'll know and I know that one day I am going to marry Dorea Black. Besides, she's a redhead; every man in my family for 300 years has married a redhead."

"Filch, Argus"

"If you're sure Charlus, I'll see you in Slytherin." Argus walked up to the stool, sat down and placed the hat on his head.

"_Hello Argus._" The hat sighed. _Why are you sad Mr. Sorting Hat? _Argus thought back. "_Because, your father has been very cruel to you in sending you here._" Now Argus was very confused. _What do you mean? My father is perfect! _The sorting hat sighed again "_I am sorry Argus, but you simply don't belong here at Hogwarts, you aren't magical._ _However, I do have to sort you. It is my job. I'm sorry._" The hat then yelled aloud for all to hear "SQUIB!"

All the students in the hall turned to stare at him. Argus continued to sit on the stool, mortified. A low rumble of laughter began to emerge from the Slytherin table. Argus stood up, put the hat back on the stool and whispered "I forgive you Hat." The entire Great Hall save the teachers was now cackling madly. Argus ran.

As he neared the door he saw Charlus, whom he thought was his friend, hunched over from laughing so hard with tears of mirth streaming down his face. He ran through the open doors, through the Entrance Hall and out into the night to find himself engulfed by a warm pair of arms.


End file.
